The fear of commitment and the likely reasons behind it

fear of commitment

Love might be the sweet thing everyone aspires for. But not every heart remains equally steeped in the resolute commitment that love needs to transcend from being a magical lore to a real tale. Perhaps what matters the most in a happy, everlasting relationship is not as much of love as it requires commitment. And why just in love, all aspects of life thrive in a commitment so dedicated that no wavering wind can likely shake them off. But yet when we talk about commitment it is primarily the practical aspect of romance that we mostly make a deal out of.

Why this ‘obsession’ of something as coveted as love with something as elusive as commitment is the greater issue not many are unaware of. Unless you are consciously pursuing a time pass relationship or are seeking romance only for the aura of it, your love would expect forever togetherness. While this notion of what we want in or out of love varies according to perception, no Romeo and Juliet of the world would want to live an unfulfilled romantic saga.

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Love, being the dainty delicate dream that it is, needs more than just a few enamoring gazes for it to find acceptance. True love is more a bond of trust and commitment rather than one of dreamy promises and dreamier wishes. While it is unfair that something as eternal as love typically needs to have a culmination in marriage, it is also as natural that expectation from a romance are bound to be sky high. But if you are in a relationship with someone who professes to feel all the love in the world for you but is still a phobic when it comes to commitment, chances are you are ruing your love life.

The fear of commitment

So why do people fear commitment even when they plunge headlong into the deep ocean of love? Why does commitment remains a far more complicated element than relationship statuses ever will be? And what drives humans to chase love and chide committed relationships? The answer is simple- because commitment demands more conscience and courage that falling in love never even asks for. Not everyone has the guts to deliver when it comes to a lifetime of responsibilities, possibly sans even the love at a future date. Only a few people realise that love isn’t only about sweet nothings and coochie- coos, it also is as much a date with the brutal truths and the harsh realities that are anything but love- like.

If you are a commitment phobic yourself or are with someone who dreads the very mention of the c- word, then here are the underlying reasons behind the fear that needs to be worked upon so that commitment becomes not your cauldron but a definite marker of your character-

You are unsure about yourself

A lack of many essential characteristics in life, commitment included, stem first and foremost from a complete cluelessness about the self. If your are constantly in conflict with your inner self, then commitment will forever stay out of the picture. And what this lack of self assuredness does to your relationship is also exactly what it would be doing to your life.

The aversion to commit detracts not just your romantic life, it hampers also your person. Because while a life without love is still possible, the one sans a vision sure is not. When you cease to be confident about what you want, you drive your goals away. First because you cannot decide whether they really are the things you need in life. And second because without the surety, you obviously cannot devote yourself to them.

The key here is to first identify your own interests. Whether it be a relationship or a career, you need to make up your mind if you actually want them in your life no matter what. Once you tide over this impertinence, commitment should be easy.

You aren’t clear about your life

Commitment would not have been so difficult to encounter if you were convinced about yourself. Which means that even when you know that you want something, you aren’t always sure of whether you deserve it. Or you question your own faith in that interest for life. For anything to be worthy of your commitment needs to be more than just a fleeting choice.

You know at the moment that she’s the one for you. But will she be the one forever- that is something rattling your brain. You think you would be content with being a chef all your life. After all, food’s your first love, you think to yourself. And yet when you see someone struggling in the gourmet world because there’s way too much competition, you lose focus. Commitment will ensue in its most resilient state only when you harbor as resilient a desire. For your dedication to be ultimate, your wants should also not be fluctuating. And that is one thing many of us lacks. Developing therefore a clear vision for the future and resolving to stick on that can make your march enroute commitment an easier embark.

You fear you would lose yourself

Commitment is serious responsibility- there’s no two thoughts on that. When you are committing to someone or something, you are very likely setting yourself up for life with them. That can be an overwhelming proposition for many- either we can be excited or we can be worried. If in case you happen to be someone who fret over all things in life, then commitment would be a hard job for you. Which explains why you were averse to it in the first place.

With lifelong commitment, you put yourself at greater liability. There might emerge some issues that require you to be adjusting , which might be enough trigger to put you off. You harbour the fear that your commitment to something else would mean a severing of the commitment you have to yourself.

If your fear of commitment is due to factors like these, it’s essential for you to do a reality check. Either you can check up on with the person to ensure that this new commitment would not spell doom for your self. Or you need to decide between one or the other. Because there’s really no point in making yourself physically available for the commitment when it means nothing to you.

You think you would miss out on the ‘could have beens’

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Just as you aren’t sure if the commitment would be worth it, you are also equally concerned about what the non commitment can bring to you. In short, you fear missing out on the ‘better options’ that will elude you once you give your nod to the commitment. That itself is enough sign for you to miss out on anything that demands commitment. For something that isn’t important enough for you to forego future predilections should better be let go. This already is a sign that you are purposedly missing out on the commitment because it isn’t likely as important a matter for you.

The underlying reason behind even this refusal to commit however is still fear. You fear the lack of explorations at your disposal that a committed you will likely lead you into. Why this will be a problem for you is because this mindset will reinstate even in future situations. Even when you have the chance of committing to what’s best for you, you will likely avoid it because of that nagging greed for the better. That might not always be a bad thing but it bodes as the worst for you specially because it might never allow you to settle in life.

You are too busy to be ready yet

Frankly speaking, this one excuse you make for not giving commitment a chance isn’t anything more than a failed attempt to veil your weaknesses. You say you are not ready when in reality you fear what the readiness might bring to you. You pretend to be so involved with something because you think it will help you skillfully maneuver unwelcome demands.

It’s indeed possible that this isn’t the right time yet for you to commit. But rather than letting it be known, you are shielding behind excuses. On one hand you clearly do not want to commit and on the other you are also not letting your denial get to others. This is what is more wrong than the wrong of fearing commitment. While commitment is a conscious choice and one that needs to be made with considerable consideration, it is the fear of it that makes you the villain or hero of the saga.

The point here is to not even create such circumstances that will inevitably call you to be available for commitment. If for instance you cannot do this together forever thing, then you should as well resist the urge to pursue. Or at least make your intentions known at the earliest. Just because you reside in an inhibition does not grant you the right to deride the lives of others. So if for any reason you cannot give commitment, at least do everyone a favor by also not going for it.