Unfeeling the love

what falling out of love can mean

So much has been said and written about falling in love and so much more has been the experiencing of it in that feel of the flutters, initially at least, but not as much has there been a dwelling upon the ground that occurs as the other end of the spectrum. Falling out of love too is as much a reality as falling in love itself and while the understanding of it might be disputed and the frequency somewhat muted mostly due to obviously not so glorified stating of it, this in itself makes for an experience sad indeed but unique still in the nature of how it feels like.

Unlike the plunge into love which at times though might be more gradual than free falling a whirl in ecstasy, falling out of love tends to occur as a slow and steady realisation of the emotions involved. Much vague however might be the awareness of it, presenting therefore as some experience of the perplexing even when it perhaps is the clearest hint one might avail of in deciding the future course of their love saga now staring into the sad situation of dismissal.

And yet, despite all the stark misery of what might play through this desolate circumstance in romance, falling out of love need not essentially be the end of the relationship that began out as so coveted a realisation in all things heavenly. Because for one, bringing the spark back in a relationship might not be all that difficult given the many counselling and therapies and tips and tricks and ways and means documented all over to that effect and in much effectiveness as well.

But also because not all relationships of essentially the non platonic kind need to be exclusively or even prominently romantic to ensure their sustenance in the long run as in the forever and ever after themes of their furthering. And that, without compromising to unreasonable extents upon such premises as essential as happiness and contentment and security and fulfilment and peace and wholesomeness which makes falling out of love a less scary proposition to face even in all supposing unfortunateness of it.

To better come to terms with the at first dismal realisation of the state of falling out of love, it would be helpful to understand such concepts of togetherness that do not depend so much on love the way we believe them to be. Granted, marriages and romantic relationships are generally viewed as being essentially steeped in the realisation of love first and foremost but that isn’t the whole reality of it. For all over the world and across different cultures, people have come to chart out entire lives together even with no sparks flying between them for the entire duration of their happy still conjugal existences.

out of love meaning
Source: IMDb

Consider for instance the not so uncommon events of what transpire as arranged marriages where the individuals generally enter into wedlock without that passionate feels of love that we so often associate with all things romantic. There might be a mutual liking or in some cases just a one sided attraction initially that might grow over the years into something not exactly lovelike the way one craves for in their fantasy, but as love still that bears within the affection and emotions of all that ultimately matters for happy, fulfilled living with the joy of companionship to cheer by.

It is upon encountering of numerous such elucidations of love not the least dreamy in the fairy tale aspirations of it but good enough to be true and real and lasting that one can see hope in the now loveless land where this supreme experience of the emotion ruled large at some point of time in rosy history. Of course, to equate such relationships that decided to explore love as one of their many shared cravings with such intensely love based ones where the bond had been one established on that very special beat of the heart might not be so accurate a mechanism to find solace in the now not so lovely essence of the latter. But to afford oneself a better insight into the reality of what gapes at them in all desirability or undesirability of it, this is the closest that one can come to drawing a parallel so as not to be dismayed by their personal experience in similar capacity.

Despite the all important nature of love and the rather raved reviews of the preciousness that it harbours in all eloquently articulated and even exaggerated expressions of it, the lovers of the world matured enough to consider the prospect of life long living with each other, fully aware of the flaws and imperfections that they are thereby ushering in to their themselves imperfect living, would emphasise also on such aspects of a healthy relationship that transcends the mere notions of romance.

With everything from respect and compassion to understanding and comprehension occupying space in such considerations as to what sums up even the most romantically stirred relationships, love indeed emerges as just one of these many factors in determining compatibility and happiness. And this rather expansive basis of stable and ‘safe’ romances is what explains the not so assertive need to wail and wallow when one comes to discover, with much surprise indeed, their fading expression in love.

To believe that love in the exclusive romantic experience of it would continue to run through the veins of a relationship forever in that extent and intensity of the feels that it generates is but a convenient way in convincing oneself to not conjure up images to the contrary of what actually sums up reality. Even when love flows in profusion through the whole length of the existence in romantic togetherness, it is more likely that the emotion experienced would be one that would combine within itself strands of each of the individual identities of which love is largely encompassing.

With such associations of love with romance and friendship and familiarity and companionship and in such awareness of it in bonding, as something innate and given even when taken for granted to acceptably obvious extents, or sometimes even as a responsibility that though does not feel like a compulsion yet, this is one particular experience of the emotional that is what essentially characterise the whole of the living world in all their caring, loving, nurturing instinct and essence. So even if love does not reign supreme in the romantic ruling of it, there still is love enough to feel and feed upon and bask in the glory of in so many other ways in revealing of its character.

Calling therefore a sufficiently happy and assuredly committed relationship to a halt just because one fails to derive the same vibes of ‘pure’ romance out of the love prevalence is therefore not a justified course of action to chart without considering all aspects of this realisation. That however does not mean that one should still always continue to give their relationship a chance no matter how wrong the other unfurlings of it might turn out as and ignore thereby all assertions even when they might not be conducive really prospects in living.

out of love
Source: Discogs

For people who simply cannot envision their romantic relationship in such terms that do not exclusively revolve around intense, passionate love to such uncomfortable extents that do not allow them to live their lives in the way they desire, the most obvious thing to do is to leave even when that might be an unfortunate rendition in reality. Also for such folks whose falling out of love has made them agents in constant bickering and resent and even toxicity so much so that life feels like hell to them, it of course is better to each go their own way.

The truth in such cases might be hard to comprehend and even harder to ignore but the decision made is one of comparative ease in all obvious manifestations of what it has been leading to all along. But more complicated a state of affairs arise when it is just one partner who fails to feel the love flowing still through their shared specialness. Torn between their own appallingly lacking desire in love and crippled by the thought of what it would dawn upon their partner still as true and dedicated and loving to them as ever before should the former choose to give prominence to their exclusively and deeply personal realisation, these now non feeling hearts find themselves stifled by a guilt of not heeding to their conscience on one hand and feeling like not caring enough for their partner on the other.

falling out of love
Source: TIME

But even in such circumstances of unease and conflict between the heart and the mind, it is important that the truth be let to prevail whether it be in what one feels or in perpetuating their honest dedication to the one they had loved at some point of time in their life. Important it is therefore to let your partner know about the exact status of your feelings in as clear terms as possible so as to not leave any scope for misinterpretation but with much consideration and empathy for what it might strike them as. For not it is just a bolt from the blue that you are delivering but also a rather striking one at that and to make allowance for such probabilities of your partner being driven to momentary wackiness in disbelief even when dealing yourself with the as difficult proposition of its declaration is a very, very delicate matter that needs to be handled with care.

Once the confession is made and the reality of it begins to sink in for both of the parties involved, even when in awareness as desolate and disappointing as could be, it also is as important to proceed to discussing what this newfound state of reality means for the both of you and the future of the relationship that you have built so lovingly over the years. Whether you want to give it another shot through therapy or trying by yourselves anew or are sticking still to that idea in living separate lives as the only way to not let love lose even when it is lost is an area of consideration no less pertinent. And the decision in this regard too needs to be as mutual as the consent with which the relationship had unfurled along the identities of romance. Only this time the queasiness that one would feel in reinventing the love route would be more real and hard hitting an experience than the earlier fancied experience of it.