We have all been there at some point of time in our lives- loving someone so much that we did not even care that we were silently draining ourselves. Exhausting our hearts, exerting our souls, even wringing our being inside out- we poured love unto someone for whom we would gladly go to the moon and back even when they wouldn’t even walk a mile with us.
It’s indeed terrifying- the mere thought of a love unreciprocated. Worse even, when the love goes not unrequited but unheeded. It’s sad that the person you love isn’t in love with you but there’s nothing more cruel than the love of your life feeding you only lame lies- of a love so intense yet so hollow that you don’t even know the way out of it.
Why would you anyway want a way out of the love that you treasure so much, you would ask. You shouldn’t, the world tells you and you won’t, you reassure yourself. So you let the love prevail and the hurt rule, because how can you unlove someone who means so much to you?
So what if they have broken your heart umpteen times or have bruised your soul so bad that you often scar yourself with your own being? They might not have been there for you when you needed them the most, they might be abusing you too often but you are generous enough to take solace in the sorrys they (mindlessly) utter and the many kisses they shower you with. And of course you deserve all the love in the world, you tell yourself, and so you make do with ‘all’ the love you tell yourself to be grateful for.
Why should you need to unlove someone?
Love is special, love might be the worthiest of reasons to live and yet, love can be hopeless. Whether you choose to romanticise it or see through the irony at play there depends on the love that makes its way into your life. Loving someone requires commitment, unloving them requires resolution.
For all those times they have shouted at you, for all those times they failed to value you, for all those times they made you feel miserable because then was not convenient enough a time for them to realise your worth, you need to be unloving them. And this whole decision to unlove should not stem only when you are so done, it should instead be a diversion from the love path rather than a drying up of it.
Because when the love already is used up so much that it ceases to exist, unloving is not an option. It is the norm, for which you need no hows and whens. But when you choose to unlove even when your emotions are still steady and your feelings still resolute, that’s when you need to learn the art of unloving, for your own good.
How to unlove someone?
Unloving is never easy. It is as difficult to let not the love matter to you as easy it is to bask in its presence. Yet when you have taken the decision to not let love have the better of you, it’s necessary indeed to persist or perish, all in the name of that thing called love.
And it needs no saying, it’s not gonna be a cakewalk. It would hurt and humble you, it would shatter and sting you but most importantly it would pierce through you like hell. To unlove someone is to not just ignore them but to build yourself so immune to them that they cease to have an impact on you.
Unloving someone is to not let their touch drive you crazy, unloving someone is to look into their deep eyes and not get lost in them, unloving someone is also not to yield in to the every passionate ‘I love you’s uttered and to not let your hands get intertwined in theirs for ‘just one last time’. Because there’s no last time for an addiction as strong as love which means unloving will be an allusion to you as deceptive as love had been at one point of time.
So if you indeed are resilient enough to not let love overrule your life, then you need to learn the most effective ways to unlove.
Realize that love is a waste of time
We know, it’s a notion so starkly contrasting to the one you have harboured all your life. There sure could be better ways for the intended end than one that chooses to overrule you altogether, all at once. And yet we still profess that you learn to acknowledge the atrocious waste of time that love is if you need to unlove, by hook or by crook.
Call into consultation Earl Nightingale who professed- We become what we think about. Coax yourself into believing the many futilities of love and you will see that this fleeting feeling does not unsettle you as much as it used to.
Get over the dream
When you love someone as much as you had, every effort you put for them feels like a breeze to you. Even those late night dates after the most hectic of days would spell magic for you. Hangover begins to sound like fun when you drink way too much with your special person. Needless to say life unfolds like a dream, much like those glittering magical fairyland worlds you want to hold on to forever. Which is exactly why you need to slip out of it.
Life is no fairytale, and romance sure is an even lesser fairytale than that. When you acknowledge the reality of life over the seeming rosiness of romance, unloving wouldn’t feel so much like an exertion to you. Because it’s easier to get over things and people when you get to know also the not so nice side to them, this recognition is an essential phase of your unloving pursuit.
Of course, love is about holding on forever, in good times as well as in bad. But that should only be the case when the love is mutual and the relationship is equal on both sides. Since you have already reached the threshold of unloving, you can well disillusion yourself about the longingness that love suppossedly generates.
Love yourself some more as you love them some less
You will forever be empty of some love for yourself if you are so full of it for others. Sounds selfish but what might seem so to the world is in fact what makes up the very essential premise of self love. Think about all those times you had disregarded yourself so much for the one you loved, presumably more than your life, that you began to pity yourself. Let those instances of self deprivation haunt you so that you know what you do not want in life. Let your love be tilted more in your favor now and you will see how it is absolutely possible to get over someone and unlove them and still live a fulfilled life.
Do not let yourself be decimated
Once you start loving yourself more, you will automatically be unwilling to accept also any lesser a love from others. Both loving and unloving should be a two way thing because that’s the only way you can still hold your stead even in the face of overpowering emotions. When you start realising the worth of self love you will likely fall out of love with someone who accord you the same love and respect you deserve. In such cases, unloving someone will not even be an assertation, it would be reciprocation- but only of exactly what you don’t receive.
Do not go all out about it
Venting sure helps you and making yourself heard is an effective way to counter problems. But when you let it all out to a third person, more often than not you will end up being in a dilemma. Like we said, unloving someone is a decision that requires resilience, which is subject to morphings based on opinions.
Because people have not been through what you have lived, they will likely not be fully conversant with your state. They might try to rekindle the romance because everyone loves a good love story. Or they might try, all in good spirit, to goad you into loving them some more because you guys have always been so perfect for each other.
And you might have made the cutest couple in picture or even the perfect lovers in person, but you know well you have never been the truest of soulmates. Which is why you have embarked on this path and which is why you should persist through it. Letting yourself out, only to the extent that it does not jeopardise your emotions and resilience- that’s how you go about unloving someone.
Unlove someone by ditching the drama
Fed up with how you spend every holiday cosying up together and still bae complains about that one trip you went on with your fam? Or sulking everyday about how they can’t manage time for you because every day brings to them a work deadline? Unloving becomes a lot more easy when you decide to first cut out the drama from your life.
So if you have really searched for the perfect shade of pink roses all through and still could manage with only a blush tint, don’t pick them up at all. Do not stress over getting up at just the perfect time just so you can remind bae about their meds. We know you still care for them and it rattles you to think whatever you would be doing without them but stick to the sternness. Whether that will help you to unlove someone or help you even better by making them more responsive and responsible to you, it would do you best to wait and watch.
Worry yourself about what you would lose with them
We know worrying is not the solution to anything but for once it can be. Being with someone who you know does not love you even when they profess to is a different kind of pain altogether. With them, you would forever be so hankering for their love that you would likely miss out on things that are as important to you as them. Because you would be so conscious of making that extra effort that can perhaps grant you the love you desire, you seldom would have other things in mind.
And we don’t blame you. It is the very nature of love that enamors you to such extent that you tend to lose every sense of yourself. And because your partner isn’t as loving as you, you lose yourself some more in critical cases like this. So when you have taken the decision to unlove them, supplement it with why it has become so essential for you.
Think of all the goals you have forfeited and all the simple joys you have given up on for the sake of someone not bothered enough about you. Count all blessings you have let go because you regarded that soul as the greatest blessing of your life. Fret over all you have missed and all that you will be missing out on and you won’t want to go back to loving them.
Unlove the wrong one so that you can love the right one, at the right time
Not that a life without romance is any less worthy but if you really want the love you deserve you need to learn to let go off the one one that is not right for you. It might be easy to slip into pauses like there ain’t any love for you in the world even when you would give your heart and soul to it. And with such exertion like the one in tow, it can indeed be difficult to convince yourself that you are as lovable as any other.
To unlove someone who clearly isn’t meant for you, let first the self doubting, the self pitying attitude slip away. Unlove them because you would need to unleash all your deep found affection for someone who is willing to go to same lengths as you for the feels. Once you know someone isn’t as worthy as what you though them to be, unloving becomes all the more easy and less bearing.