Let her go

STORY APNE APNE bishal kalita

It was right in front of me and I saw it as the only way to let go for the sake of your happiness. It seemed like a mere paper yet it carried the power to decide the fate of our love. My fingers were shaking while I reached for the pen on the table. You passed me the papers and I slowly had to sign it.

“Thanks for understanding, I hope we both have a better divorced life” you told me.

I just passed on a mere smile and moved away from you, completely broken and shattered. What even could I do? I knew if I would speak, you’d fall apart and not leave for the sake of my happiness. I didn’t want you to live a life that you didn’t want to. I didn’t want to keep you here by force. I had to let go and hence I chose not to speak.

Avoiding everything else, I just quickly grabbed the keys of my car and drove away from our house. I needed some space for myself. The pain had silently took away my senses at that moment and I couldn’t think much. I just had to move away to someplace where I would find myself all alone with the strange state of affliction deep in my heart. Sometimes, being alone gets you through it, you know? The pain somehow descends deep inside you.

I didn’t know what I was doing, nor I had any idea to where I was heading. I was terribly hurt and the thought of not living anymore surpassed my mind for quite a number of times. I just felt like driving without a break. The pain supposedly clung onto my heart and it was crying heavily in despair. I never wanted to leave us like this and I never thought you would give up so soon. I thought we were meant to live our forever, have our kids shine bright, celebrate in numerous anniversaries together and live the most perfect life a couple usually does in this world. But boom, everything disappeared within a blink of an eye, like as if it was never meant to be. Or maybe if it did, destiny had played it’s card. That’s life, I guess?

I was still shaking while I had my hands on the steering wheel and I couldn’t help but just keep thinking about us. I mistakenly thought that you’re happy around me and that we we’re living a perfect life, with all the love that was ever needed. Unfortunately, I was wrong and everything felt so numb without you. Things seemed so utterly difficult and my brain felt heavier like I’ve had bottles of whiskey all together.

The sun was about to set and I finally decided to stop for a moment and hence I drove myself near the sea shore. It had always been the most peaceful place in the city since we met here for the first time, eight years ago. I still had the memories fresh of the day when I saw you around here with your family. You were definitely a cry baby even when you were in your high school days. I remember how you so badly wanted to go swim and dad as an usual parent kept you away from diving in. He was worried about your safety, as every parent is. Those were the time where I’d give all that I have today to get back in it and live those moments of serene madness and joy all over again with you. This place held a hundred unforgettable memories of us and had seen us growing into something beautiful since the very beginning of our journey. Maybe this is why it was difficult to forget this place and the memories attached to it.

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The sun was almost about to collide itself into the clouds and the sky felt extremely pure and beautiful. Things seemed to calm down and a mere touch of peace grabbed my soul between its arms. A strange  cord of comfort hit me and amidst the air in the seashore, I had found the pain subsiding into the depths of my heart. I guess it’s true when they say that with each passing minute, it hurts a little less than what it did a few moments ago and I felt it while I sat near the sea shore. It didn’t take me time to slowly take my phone out. I wanted to call you and say that I’ll always​ keep loving you, for the very last time. I called you but you didn’t pick up. It wasn’t anything new, I got used to this with time. I realised that may you wouldn’t want to talk once again and get weak again. I knew you couldn’t afford to do that and hence I just smiled. The pain still had me inside it’s circle but I guess once when a person decides to let go then the inevitable pain doesn’t seem to matter as it did before. I opened the gallery of my phone and went through each and every picture. It seemed like it was a slide; a slide which would lead me to have a smile on my face. I just couldn’t express how much those pictures and videos mattered to me at that moment. They were like the life that I’ve earned till now with you. Unfortunately, I wasn’t living it any longer, but I was at peace to know that you’d be happy by this. After all, we cannot hold the lump of sand in our palms forever, no matter how much we try, we have to let it go. I guess, it’s the same with love, no matter how deep we’re into it but there comes a time when we have to let go in order to let peace settle in between two people.

Closing my eyes, I kiss the phone and fling it towards the sea. “I hope my signature over the divorced paper mark the arrival of your happiness” I shout out loud into the clear evening sky. After all, love is all about keeping the one you love happy forever, isn’t it? Then be it with or without​ you yourself in her life.

I just sit there and glace at the sun setting into the last layers of the sky. Realising that like the sun, even our journey has set into the difficulties of life and that it was time to start off fresh all over again in life.