She sighed as her ears were cursed with the shouting and fighting off her family outside. She stayed safe (for now) inside the comfort of the bed pretending to be asleep to wait out for the fight to end. They fought about something to do with games and such with jabs, yells and insults thrown at each other, but she didn’t pay much attention. She closed her eyes as her entire body stayed under the covered blanket. She felt anger flare up as the noises got louder and the jabs thrown at her as well.
This is why she didn’t like going on any vacations with family. Sure the vacation was fun but not for them. For her, the fun parts of her vacation were going off somewhere or walking someplace imagining for a moment that she was all alone. Why is anyone’s business how she tries to spend her holiday? Why is everyone so keen on doing something or the other on vacation? Why can’t one vacation only be about relaxing? Always the same excuse of ‘Well if you wanted just to sleep and look at your phone all day you could have done that at home’ like do they think she doesn’t know that. She could very clearly go on walks or make fires back at her home and doesn’t need to go someplace to do that. The whole idea a vacation is of staying somewhere which isn’t home. There’s a difference between sleeping at home than sleeping someplace you’ve never been.
She could suddenly feel a red mass of flesh crawl around in her head as she felt angrier and angrier. The whole mass of flesh seeped into her skin and seemed to be trying to consume her and attach itself to her. She didn’t struggle and only let the anger boil as it slowly covered the whole of her body. Flashes of violent acts flew by which was the final thread she assumed as she paused and took a deep breath.
Suddenly she wasn’t in a creaky bed listening to her family members fight. She was back at home sneaking out at night as she avoided the cameras and stumbled down the stairs. A big hoodie to hide her face, earphones plugged into her ears as she huffed short bursts of a laugh. She was practically running down the road, it being some time in the AM much before 6. She giggled as the once busy field of which would be full of cars was empty and silent. The sky and surroundings dark but not dark enough as the sun had slowly started to rise. The sound of music plagued her ears, but she soon shook off the earbuds as she just stood there listening to her panting breaths and the wind and the leaves and everything. This was nice, this was great, she was happy. A smile crawled on her face as the mass of red flesh disappeared like smoke, finally letting the tension in her body fade. She knew jumping out of this daydream would only land her in disappointment, but at least it kept the anger away.
She imagined a new place this time. It was a skyscraper high in the sky. The wind howled, and sounds of traffic muffled due to the height. The entire city was illuminated in lights from tubes, bulbs and plain headlights of cars. She strolled towards the iron railings that she imagined would be cold to the touch and would send a chill down her spine and make her hands ice cold. She didn’t hate it. She welcomed the cold as she stared out at the city made of lights and the abyss surrounding it. She was so high up as she looked below, one small leap and she would be barreling down to the abyss, her skull cracking open on impact to the floor, blood gushing everywhere-. Ugh, she really needed to stop with high place daydreams. But even that wasn’t enough to damper her mood as she looked up.
Whenever she heard people talk about how these high top places would make even the strongest person feel small compared to everything else, leave them reeling with the realisation of how small they were in this big world. But she didn’t feel that way. First of all, everyone is always aware of how small they were, that they were minuscule to the sheer size of the universe and its eternal immortality. But everyone knew to ignore it as it was hurting to think of, about how no matter what you do, your actions, choices and emotions are small specks to the grains of time. It wasn’t a realization but more of a reminder. And another was not everyone felt hurt. Like her many others felt a sense of peace with knowing how small they were compared to the world. Of looking around and seeing each thing look small from a distance, but if they closed that distance they wouldn’t be able to fathom it’s size. Of not being the centre of the world, of knowing that in such a big world of galaxies and universes there are others there and they’re not alone even though at that moment they feel like the only one present. The shimmering tapestry of lights from cities and stars give a magical feeling of belonging and comfort and beauty. You felt surrounded by people yet isolated at the same time. It was such a metaphysical moment. Maybe she yearned for that. The feeling of detachment and attachment. The feeling of separation and unification. The feeling of loneliness and companionship. A feeling of peace and belonging. She really craved for it. And maybe someday she will find it. But that day is not today.
