The power of choices is where it takes a person from nothing to something. This story is not particularly about anyone, it’s just about how I have always tend to put my insecurities into the hands of a few people who haven’t known me more than what I have known myself since birth. I have always believed in being humble all my life and be someone who would be loved by everyone. You know someone who would be known, who’d be loved to the core and who would never have to face loneliness. My life has always been about those particular choices which have probably left me all alone today but those are something that have always provided me a sense of peace inside me.
I’m pretty sure many of us have definitely had fights over school or has undergone some kind of physical abuse and bullying during our college life. When talked about this, most of us may find it quite obvious and natural since this is what we’ve always seen in school or have always been a part of it. But unfortunately for a few, these kind of things have not always been easy for them. How could they even? After all they had to undergo the consequences of bullying and not the ones who did that or the ones who just stood there with broad smiles.
It’s way too disappointing for me to even think of something of that kind happening to some kid over school or anyone in my college because I have always know the pain that they have to undergo. I have witnessed every kind of a feeling that a student goes through while they’re being bullied or being mocked on sensible things associated with their life. People ask me why do I take this in such a personal way and all I have to tell them is that they won’t understand. Probably they would if I try but then I’ve left being dependent on people now. I don’t exactly know what’s wrong or what this state is known as but I mostly feel that I’m tired without even doing much. My psychiatrist tells me that it’s a sign of cosmic depression but I hardly can relate to what she says about my life. I don’t tell mom that I have had a psychiatrist for myself. We know how Indian families react to such things don’t we? And as she stays a few cities away, it becomes easier for me to keep things from her.
You know at times, my heart pours out heavily. Mostly it happens when I’m alone because my college experiences have given me the worst faces one can ever see in life. I don’t trust anybody with my tears and hence I don’t spare them for anyone. Being a burden doesn’t feel good anymore. That’s what my dad has always told me. He has always known that I loved to be an active member inside a group. That I had always loved it when people used to be around me, appreciate me and love me for whoever I was. That’s what all parents teach their children I suppose? And that’s what I’ve always lived my life for. To be honest, I’ve had a really good schooling and probably the best people around me at that point. But I guess it’s the college life that throw upon the real struggles of life to oneself. Without any fail we just need to hail from the most comfortable environment that we had been in, leaving behind each person who was close to us. For many like me who hardly can mix up with people, it’s not at all easy to mingle up and find the same comfort in making friends or creating new bonds. At most time, I feel that people in college have been a part of my life only for a particular phase. A few left because I was being continuously bullied and insulted by the seniors and the others did because they couldn’t handle an emotional person in their group.
Groupism has always played a vital role in building relationships and bonds in college. That’s how it goes here, unlike schools. With time I’ve realised that people aren’t innocent anymore. They don’t like to be ordinary or live a life that’s lucid and simple. I find everybody around me tied to a lot things that bother them; that they don’t speak much about. Because if they do, they’re marked as ’emotional fools’ by the so called trending people. Here in the campus, I really feel myself locked and suffocated amidst people that do not have time to be there at your worst. They would be only if you could help them with the assignments or finance their weekly parties. Otherwise, on most days, people like me who like to keep things simple are mostly called losers.
Dad had always told me a few things and out of those, this remains my personal favourite till date. He said that be an asset to people and they’d love you to core. Stop being one and I’ll already start feeling sorry for your soul. That’s what exactly is happening with me now, ironically. Some things have really shattered me deeply but I guess at one of time a person gets used to it. I had to as well, after all I couldn’t always have been there to please people. To please people who’d only stick by you when you’re at your best. I mean that’s pretty simple to understand that they don’t value you as a person but the effort that you’re providing for their good. Without that effort and the skill, you’re just a dead person they’d deny to walk by. Yes, college does change your perspective towards life. It did to me, it can do to you and it has done to a million more.
To be honest now when I enter my room and sit down idle, I don’t regret my choices at all. I don’t regret changing the perspective that I had. Yes, I’d have always appreciated to be loved by all but not only at the cost of the confidence that I’ve always had. Loving myself has always been enough than people loving me at times of need. Probably, this realisation wouldn’t have arrived during schooling cause I knew that I always had everything for it. People are correct when they say that humans learn to adapt and adjust to their best not at a time when they have everything but at a time when it doesn’t and I feel it here nowadays. I feel my soul at today’s time and I see the choices that I had chosen for myself. The choice of loving myself more than the urge to be loved and accepted by all and that just makes all the difference in my life.
When I look back now, I don’t feel that I’d regret losing the kid in me and adopt the adulting teenager. I guess at some point in life we all need to undergo that stage. Most fail to remain constant and a few does. Fortunately enough I find myself being settled with a change that I mark as positive. A change that has made me witness the reality and change accordingly to it. With more power to my parents today I can proudly say that it’s been a life of changes. Those particular changes that have made me a better person. I guess this is what my life is going to be about from now; a life full of self confidence and love. A life full of dignity and a life full of positivity all around!